


Hold On To You

by givemesumaurgravy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Fingering, Fluff, High School AU, M/M, Riding, Rimming, Self-Harm, Sex, Top!Harry, bottom!Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 09:08:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemesumaurgravy/pseuds/givemesumaurgravy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry’s filled with wonder by this boy, someone that’s so quiet and a little sad seeming is here riding him like his life depended on it and he’s <i> loud </i> and, God, he’s even a bit <i> kinky. </i> And Harry <i> loves </i> him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold On To You

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prompt fill for a one-shot involving Louis self-harming and Harry finding out and they still have sex after talking about it and Harry accidentally grabs Louis' thighs while he rides him and Louis gets off on the pain.
> 
> Obviously trigger warnings and don't read if mentions of self-harm are not your thing :)

Louis is generally very happy. He likes his life and he likes his friends and he likes his family. 

But then there’s the times when he just doesn’t quite seem to like _himself._

It started with the bullying, if you could call it that really, at least at the start. Louis couldn’t help that he was just _feminine_ in his physical features and growing up with all women didn’t seem to help him act overly masculine, but fine, whatever. Louis still walked with his head held high as people started whispering and jumping to conclusions about him. 

Louis didn’t start to think anything of it until he turned sixteen and went to his first party. Louis hadn’t meant to get drunk and he _definitely_ hadn’t meant to make out with his friend Zayn, but hey, sometimes that sort of thing happens. 

Apparently, the other kids at school didn’t think so. 

Louis came to school the next day and everything was different. The bullying got worse and people started calling him ‘gay’ and ‘fag’. It was getting harder to ignore because having nearly everyone making assumptions about your sexuality when you don’t even know yourself and pushing you in the hallway is much different than one group of boys referring to you as ‘Lady Louis’ or ‘Louise’. 

It got so bad that Louis started to not like himself so much. Louis started withdrawing to the point where he only talked to his best friend, a boy named Harry who seemed to make it his mission to keep Louis smiling, to be Louis’ own personal sunshine.

Harry and Louis had grown up next door to each other and used to play in Harry’s sandbox everyday and Harry’s sister Gemma would babysit for Louis’ little sisters when Louis’ mom had to work late, so naturally Harry came with to play with Louis. 

Their friendship only grew over the years and they became inseparable to the point that if Louis ever came home from school _without_ Harry, Louis’ mom would question him if everything was okay. 

Louis also has developed a massive crush on Harry and he spends most of his nights fantasizing about what it would be like if he could actually muster the strength to tell Harry how he really feels. 

**~*~*~**

“You know, you should really reconsider going to the dance on Friday, Lou.” Harry says from where he’s laying on Louis’ bed with his head dangling over the edge. “It could be fun.”

“Not really in the mood. ‘S not really my scene either.” Louis replies as he glances at Harry from where he’s sitting at his desk. “Now focus. You told me you had to finish reading that chapter for tomorrow.”

“Kill joy.” Harry mutters and Louis tries not to take it to hard. 

Harry of course notices the slight frown on Louis’ lips and rolls off the bed and walks over to him. Harry wraps his gangly arms around Louis and presses a soft, strictly platonic kiss to the top of Louis’ head. 

“You know I don’t mean it.” Harry says, but Louis just shrugs him off.

It’s Harry’s turn to frown this time, but Louis doesn’t take notice and just goes back to his Biology notes. Harry makes a whining noise from behind Louis so he finally turns around. 

“What?” Louis asks, annoyance in his voice. 

“Why are you being like this today?” Harry asks carefully and Louis rolls his eyes. 

“Being like what?” Louis asks, setting down his pen and crossing his arms. “What’s different from any other day? I think I’m just as delightful as always.”

Harry frowns again and chews on the inside of his cheek before mumbling, “You’re just acting strangely, is all.”

“Nothing to worry about.” Louis assures Harry and forces a smile on his mouth so Harry will finally go back to his work. 

Truth is that Louis _wants_ to go to the dance this weekend, and Harry constantly bringing it up is not helping. The thing is, Louis wants to go _with Harry,_ but Harry’s taking some pretty blonde girl from their Math class and Louis just doesn’t feel like spending his night with a bunch of people he doesn’t like and watching Harry dance around the room with someone that’s not Louis. 

“Is it…did someone say something mean to you today?” Harry asks softly and looks at Louis worriedly. 

“It’s nothing like that, no. Don’t worry, Hazza. I’m fine.” Louis says and the words taste so bland in his mouth because it seems like he’s saying them every single day and they have no weight behind them anymore. 

“Then what is it?” Harry asks as he steps into Louis’ space. “I care about you, Lou. You _know_ you can tell me anything, right? I don’t…it hurts me to see you sad.”

“I’m not sad. I’m _fine.”_ Louis tries again, but Harry’s not buying it. 

“I don’t believe you.” Harry presses and Louis shies away from him.

“Whatever, Harry. Go back to your work, yeah? Just drop it.” Louis says and tries to turn back to his notes. 

“No. I won’t until you talk to me.” Harry says firmly.

“I said, _drop it.”_ Louis says as he turns back around and glares at Harry. 

“Why won’t you talk to me?” Harry asks as his face falls a bit and his voice is sad. “I thought…I thought we could tell each other things. If you don’t…if you don’t want to talk to me…that’s fine I guess…I just thought…I just thought we were better friends than that.”

Harry turns back to the bed and sits down for a minute, and then he’s picking up his book and putting it in his backpack. Louis watches Harry zip up his bag and put on his coat and throw his bag over his shoulder, standing to walk to the door. 

“Harry, wait.” Louis calls out as Harry reaches the doorway. “Don’t go.”

“I’m not going to just sit here and have you ignore me, Louis.” Harry says, one hand on the doorknob. 

“I can’t…I can’t tell you.” Louis whispers and then buries his face in his hands. “I can’t tell you because I’m scared you won’t want to be my friend anymore.”

Louis’ words were unintelligible because he muttered them into his palms, but Harry comes back over to him and kneels in front of him after pulling his chair out and turning him around. 

“What’s that, love?” Harry asks as he carefully grips Louis’ wrists in his hands. “Why can’t you tell me?”

Louis sniffles and Harry slowly tugs Louis’ hands down away from his face. Louis’ eyes are red as tears fill them and he tries not to let him fall. 

“You won’t want to be my friend anymore.” Louis says quietly, looking down at his arms, protected by the long sleeves of his sweater. 

“Louis, no matter what you tell me, I will _always_ be your friend. No matter what. I promise.” Harry says and he lets go of one of Louis’ wrists to hold up a pinky and Louis giggles.

Louis hooks his pinky around Harry’s and Harry leans in to kiss his own hand and Louis rolls his eyes and does the same. Louis meets Harry’s eyes when they drop their hands and Harry smiles at him encouragingly. 

“I wish…I wish you weren’t going to the dance with Ally. It’s not that it’s not really my scene or whatever it’s that…I don’t want to go and have to…see you there _withsomeoneelse.”_ Louis says the last bit really fast so the words all string together, but he knows Harry’s understood him by the way his eyes widen and he drops his hands from Louis’ lap. 

“Oh.” Harry says as he rakes his fingers through his messy curls. “I didn’t… _God_ I probably should have…” Harry mutters to himself and then he’s looking up at Louis. 

Louis wants so much to run away. He feels stripped down and bare and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t let anyone in and he keeps everything bottled up. But now, his biggest secret is out and he wants desperately to take it back. 

But then…then Harry’s surging forward and placing his soft, _soft_ lips on Louis’. Louis thinks he lets out a small squeak, but he can’t really be sure. All he knows is his eyes are open in shock until he comes to his senses and lets them fall closed. 

The kiss doesn’t last all that long, and it stays safe with just the pressure of Harry’s lips on Louis’, but it’s perfect, Louis thinks. Harry pulls back and looks at Louis for some sign that that was okay, and Louis smiles shyly at him. 

“That was…okay, I hope.” Harry whispers as if anything louder would shatter something.

“Yeah…it…yeah.” Louis says and he smiles and blushes. 

Harry smiles back and then laughs nervously because this is…different. Louis gets a sense of bravery and leans in and brings his lips back to Harry’s, even though the angle is all wrong because Harry’s still crouched in front of him and he has to lean awkwardly in his chair to reach Harry’s lips. 

Harry breaks the kiss again, this time even more quickly, but he smiles at Louis and gives Louis’ chair a shove so it spins and sails over to the bed. Louis looks to Harry with raised eyebrows and Harry smirks. 

“’S just more comfortable, trust me.” Harry says as he lays down and gives Louis an encouraging smile. 

Louis laughs to himself and lifts his body from the chair to move over to where Harry is sprawled on his bed waiting for him. Harry opens his arms invitingly and Louis laughs again before plopping down on the bed next to Harry and Harry wraps his arms around Louis’ smaller frame. 

“Hi.” Harry says quietly, a huge smile splitting his face. 

“Hi.” Louis says back, rivaling Harry’s smile with one of his own. 

Harry closes the space between them and kisses Louis again and this time there’s a little something more behind it. Harry’s hands are rubbing slowly at Louis’ back and that gives Louis the confidence to move his hands from where they’re trapped against Harry’s chest between them to Harry’s neck and cheek. 

Harry hums when Louis’ fingers snake into his curls and twist around the soft strands. Harry’s fingers dig into Louis’ back as he presses his lips against Louis’ a bit more purposefully, parting them slightly. Louis’ heart rate picks up as he parts his own lips as well, welcoming the deepening of their kiss. 

Harry’s tongue glides along Louis’ bottom lip and he bravely flicks his own against it. This apparently seems to do something to Harry, because next thing Louis knows, Harry’s hauling him up in his arms and pulling Louis on top of him. 

Louis blinks down at Harry because their kiss broke momentarily and Louis notices how disheveled Harry looks. 

“Fuck, Louis. K-kiss me.” Harry breathes as he strokes a hand over Louis’ feathery hair. “Please.”

Louis isn’t about to argue when he’s finally got the person that’s filled every single one of his dreams since he was ten underneath him. Louis brings his lips down a bit too enthusiastically and they end up bumping noses and pulling back with muttered, ‘ow’s. 

Louis looks at Harry and giggles nervously, wondering if he’s killed the mood, but Harry just smiles and trails his fingers down Louis’ back. Louis blushes and brings his lips, slowly this time, down and lightly brushes them against Harry’s.

Harry hums again and uses the hand on the back of Louis’ neck to hold him in place as he licks his tongue against Louis’ closed lips, silently asking for permission into his mouth. Louis parts his lips willingly and sighs when Harry’s tongue slips into his mouth and starts exploring. 

Louis’ own tongue runs against Harry’s and Harry battles back as he tilts his head slightly and moves his lips against Louis’ so it creates slick, wet noises. Harry’s tongue presses against the roof of Louis’ mouth and he gasps and nearly bites down on Harry’s tongue. Instead, he sucks on it harshly, making Harry moan fairly loudly and that’s…that’s new. 

Louis doesn’t know if this is too much, but something tells him it might be going too fast. If he wasn’t sure, Harry’s next move answers the question for him immediately. 

Harry slips one of his hands underneath Louis’ shirt and starts pushing it upwards as he brings his other hand down to help make like he’s trying to get it off Louis. 

Louis freezes in sudden panic and sits bolt upright. 

“Lou? Everything okay? Did I…did I bite you or something?” Harry asks, bringing his fingers to his own lips. 

“No just…er…” Louis doesn’t really know what to say. 

“Lou,” Harry says as he makes to sit up, which is a little difficult with Louis perched on his stomach. 

“I don’t want to…go there.” Louis blurts out and immediately claps a hand over his mouth. 

Harry looks shocked for a moment, but then smiles and reaches to remove Louis’ hand. Louis chews on his lips and flits his eyes away and then back to Harry’s face, analyzing his reaction.

“That’s okay, Lou. I didn’t mean to push you.” Harry says. “We should…we should talk probably, anyways.”

“What did you want to talk about?” Louis asks as he straightens his sweater and is careful to pull the sleeves down over his hands before rolling onto his side and curling up, still facing Harry. 

Harry rolls on his side as well and traces his fingers over Louis’ cheekbone as he smiles softly. Louis blushes again (seems to be a theme today) and ducks his gaze. Harry tilts Louis’ chin up again with his pointer finger and smiles reassuringly at Louis. 

“I want you to know that I liked that…that thing that just happened.” Harry says and laughs anxiously. “I’ve…kind of wanted to do that for awhile.” 

Louis’ mouth falls open slightly in shock and Harry chuckles. 

“’M guessing you have, too, then.” Harry says and he reaches for one of Louis’ hands to take in his own. 

Louis offers him one of his hands, peaking his fingers out from the comfort of his sleeve and watches their fingers thread together seamlessly. 

“I like you, Lou. I _have_ liked you for quite some time. I only said yes to Ally when she asked me to the dance because I didn’t think you would ever want to go with me.” Harry admits.

“Of course I would have wanted to go with you! It’s all I’ve wanted for the past month.” Louis pipes up and then blushes shyly. 

Harry squeezes Louis’ fingers and says, “I know that now, love. Can we…um, can we talk about what we want to do now? Like…does this mean…”

Louis bites his lip to keep from shouting _‘please, oh, please say it means we’re boyfriends now, oh pretty please’._

“I really like you, Harry.” Louis says and smiles brightly at him. 

“But…?” Harry asks and Louis looks at him confusedly. “The way you said that, it’s the way people start before saying the ‘but’ part of a statement. Like, ‘you’re great, but I’m not looking for the same things you are’.”

“I am, though.” Louis says quickly. “At least, I think and hope I am. I want to be with you.”

Harry’s grin splits across his face and Louis’ filled with sudden relief because Harry does seem to be on the same page with him. 

“Good because I wouldn’t be able to take it if you told me you didn’t want this, too.” Harry whispers and then he’s kissing Louis again, nice and soft. 

Louis hums into it this time and pulls Harry closer to him, but this time they keep the kiss slow and languid. Louis pulls back eventually when he hears the garage door going up, signaling that his mom is home with his sisters from the store. 

“We’re about to interrupted, probably should make it look like we’ve been doing homework instead of, you know, making out for the past hour.” Louis teases and Harry pinches his cheek playfully. 

“Okay, lover boy.” Harry says back and lets Louis untangle himself and straighten out his clothing before sitting back down in his desk chair and wheeling himself back to his desk and starting on his note-memorizing again. 

They last all of thirty seconds before they start sneaking peaks at each other and blushing when they get caught. Louis’ mom comes to the door shortly after and offers for Harry to stay for dinner. He graciously accepts and when she leaves the room, Louis abandons his desk and instead cuddles up next to Harry on the bed where they lay in each other’s arms until Louis’ mom calls them down for dinner. 

~*~*~

Louis and Harry date for the next four months and it’s amazing. Harry starts to see Louis in a happier place, especially when he’s with Harry alone, just _being._ Louis still likes to call Harry his own personal sunshine. 

Harry does notice, though, that the bullying only gets worse now that they have actual reason and something to base their jabs on. Harry has no idea how bad it really is, though – doesn’t realize that Harry’s the only thing that really keeps Louis going. 

They haven’t gone past kissing, and Harry doesn’t push Louis because even though Harry is a bit more experienced, he knows Louis isn’t and he doesn’t want to rush him because he understands what a big deal someone’s first time can be. 

For their anniversary, Harry plans a romantic night with flowers and a homemade dinner. He’s asked his mom and Robin to politely make themselves scarce for the evening, and Gemma was easy to convince seeing as she was usually out with friends on Friday nights anyways. 

Louis is set to come over at six, completely unaware of what Harry has planned since he’s under the impression that they are just going to hang out and order pizza. 

The doorbell rings at 6:05 and Harry doesn’t think anything of Louis’ tardiness because Louis is never on time for anything, God love him. But when Harry opens the door, he knows something’s wrong because Louis’ eyes are red like he’s been crying. 

“Hi, Haz.” Louis says quietly and fakes a smile Harry knows is forced. 

Louis walks past Harry into his house and takes off his coat, folding it over the banister and toeing off his TOMS by the door. Harry watches Louis wander into the kitchen dumbly as he stands there still holding the door open. 

Harry doesn’t know what to do, he’s got this whole, wonderful night planned, but here’s Louis showing up and something’s clearly happened, something bad enough to upset him and make him cry. 

Harry follows Louis into the kitchen finally after closing the front door and locking it and finds Louis sat on the counter munching on the carrots Harry had left out. 

“Um, Lou.” Harry starts and Louis looks up as he rubs at his nose. 

“Yeah?” Louis says, another forced smile on his lips. 

“Everything all right?” Harry asks carefully and Louis nods quickly and goes back to eating carrots. “You’d tell me if, like, something happened to upset you, right?” Harry presses. 

“’Course.” Louis clearly lies, Harry can see the guilt flit across his face. 

“Don’t lie, Louis.” Harry whispers, bowing his head. “I can tell you’re upset about something. You’re eyes are red. You’ve been crying.”

“Just jammed my finger before coming over here. Hurt pretty bad.” Louis offers with a shrug and Harry’s not really sure, but anger sparks in his stomach. 

“Bullshit, Lou. Don’t lie!” Harry says, hands balling into fists. 

Louis cowers and Harry knows he’s screwed up because Louis’ bottom lip starts to tremble and then fresh tears are welling up in his eyes. Harry reaches out for Louis, ready to apologize, but Louis is too quick and jumps off the counter and dashes towards the staircase. 

Harry hurries after him, quickly turning off the oven so it doesn’t burn their meal, before racing up the stairs. When Harry reaches the landing, he notices his bedroom door is closed, and so he figures Louis’ gone in there. 

“Lou?” Harry asks as he steps towards the door and knocks. 

Louis doesn’t make any sound of acknowledgement, so Harry tests the knob. Locked. 

“Louis?” Harry tries again, jiggling to knob unfruitfully. 

Harry hears faint sniffles, then very distinctly, “Harry, go away.”

Harry’s heart sinks because Louis’ voice is thick with tears and Harry wants to punch himself because he’s just made the most important thing to him cry. Harry walks into the bathroom and finds a one of those pin-things Gemma uses in her hair and brings it back to the door with him. He vaguely remembers his mom using one once to break into his sister’s room when she locked the door while having a boy over. 

Harry sticks his tongue out in concentration as he crouches and sticks the pin in the lock, fiddling with it until, to his surprise, the lock clicks. Harry straightens up and holds his breath as he tests the knob again, and this time, the door gives and opens. 

Harry steps into the room to find Louis curled up on his bed facing the wall. Harry walks slowly towards the bed and carefully sits down and tries to reach out for Louis, but he stops when he gets a good look at Louis and what he’s doing. 

Louis’ got his sleeves pulled up, which isn’t all that strange although Harry thinks back now that he’s never seen Louis’ arms bare, and upon further inspection, he realizes why. Louis’ pressing his thumb into his wrist where a fresh-looking cut oozes small droplets blood.

 _“Louis,”_ Harry gasps and Louis flips over, eyes widen and scared. 

“Harry, I…” Louis starts as he scrambles to pull his sleeves down and wipes at his eyes. 

“What are you doing? Your…your _wrist…”_ Harry says, his voice shaking as he determinedly reaches for Louis’ arm to get a better look. 

Louis flinches away and jumps backwards on the bed so he’s in the corner by the wall and kicks his feet out to keep Harry back. 

“H-Harry, no,” Louis whispers, his voice strained and high-pitched. “I…please just…leave me.”

“Louis, no. Here, let me see you.” Harry says softly. 

Harry stays where he’s sitting and just simply reaches for Louis instead of trying to go after him. Louis looks at him apprehensively and Harry just smiles warmly and gives him an encouraging nod. 

Louis slowly lowers his hands from his face from where he was peaking through his fingers and shakily and cautiously starts crawling over to Harry. Harry opens his arms wide and parts his legs wide so Louis can curl up in front of him. Louis presses his back into Harry’s front and takes his hands in his own and wraps them around his middle, holding them fast around his stomach. 

Louis’ head stays hung low and he pretzels his legs and just lets Harry hold him in silence for a few moments. Harry starts to press kisses to the back of Louis’ head, taking his time and inhaling the smell of Louis’ sweet shampoo. 

Louis is still in Harry’s hold and he can tell Louis is holding his breath. Harry noses at the fine hairs at the nape of Louis’ neck and Louis shivers bodily. 

“Haz...” Louis mumbles as he digs his fingers into the backs of Harry’s hands. “Stop.”

Harry does and waits for Louis to say something else, to _do_ something else. Louis just stays there, frozen and stiff. Finally, he sighs and lets go of Harry’s hands. 

Harry slides his fingers over Louis’ stomach and then reaches for his sleeves. He pauses for Louis to object, but he doesn’t. Harry pinches the fabric between his fingers of one sleeve and tugs up gently. Louis inhales sharply, but again doesn’t protest and Harry turns Louis’ arm over. 

It feels like Harry’s been punched in the gut when he sees the dozen or so raised scars on Louis’ wrist all in a perfect stack. Harry carefully reaches for the other arm, doing the same to lift the sleeve and flip his wrist over. This one, too, also has many neat marks, some fresher than others. 

“Baby…” Harry sighs, voice thick. 

“Don’t. Please just…don’t say anything. Just…leave me alone.” Louis says and then he’s pushing away from Harry again as he slides his sleeves back over his hands, but Harry catches him.

“No. Not a chance.” Harry says and he leans over to brush kisses onto Louis’ cheeks. 

“Please stop. I want…I want you to go away.” Louis whimpers, tears springing from his eyes. 

“I can’t. I won’t do that, Lou.” Harry says, his lips continuing to ghost over Louis’ neck and throat, Louis’ head tilting back. “I need you to see how beautiful you are.”

Louis whimpers and Harry presses a kiss to his cheek and then wraps his arms around Louis and slowly lays him down. Louis’ eyes are opened wide and he looks half panicked, half terrified and Harry just wants to take all his pain away. 

Harry slips his hands underneath Louis’ sweater, just thumbing over his soft tummy as he bends down and brings their lips together in a sweet kiss. 

Louis doesn’t do anything, doesn’t move, just leaves his hands clutching his sleeves as they rest on either side of his head until Harry runs his tongue along Louis’ lips. Louis brings his hands to Harry’s hips and holds him there as he parts his lips and allows Harry to lick into his mouth hotly. 

Harry inches his hands up Louis’ belly, his fingers splaying out and exploring this new territory as they go. Louis grips tighter onto Harry’s hips, but he doesn’t push him away. 

Harry’s got his tongue in Louis’ mouth now and Louis’ sucking on it as Harry’s fingers dance over Louis’ ribs. Harry pulls barely pulls back, just enough so he can brush his lips along Louis’ jaw, but it still makes Louis whine and gasp. 

Harry distracts him by kissing down his neck and nipping at the skin. Louis is fisting Harry’s shirt now, so tightly that Harry’s a tad concerned it might rip. Harry sucks lightly on Louis’ neck, and the sounds Louis is giving him only encourage him. 

“H- _Harry.”_ Louis gasps as Harry bares his teeth and bites at Louis’ neck, not hard enough to break skin, but hard enough to make Louis rut his hips up in pleasure. 

Harry sucks harshly, breaking blood vessels that promise to leave a nice mark there later for everyone to see Harry’s claimed him – that Harry loves him. 

_Harry loves him._

They hadn’t said this before, but Harry knows it’s true. He really wants Louis to know it, too, he just is a bit worried that this isn’t the right time. 

Harry pulls back after giving his mark one last kiss and brushes Louis’ hair off his forehead affectionately. Louis’ eyes flutter open and he smiles timidly at Harry, but the desperate, needy look in his eyes is far from innocent. 

“I love you.” Harry whispers. “I’m _in love_ with you, Louis.” 

Harry watches Louis’ breath get caught in his throat and the shock settle on his features. Harry smiles at him through it to help him understand that he means it, he really loves him. Louis finally regains his senses and bites his lip, clearly trying to fight the fond threatening to break out on his face. 

“I think me, too.” Louis mumbles and then shakes his head and frowns at himself. 

Harry coaxes Louis to meet his eyes again when his eyes fall down and Harry smiles warmly at him, always so patient. Louis takes a deep breath and tries again, this time making Harry’s heart flutter at the look in his eyes and the smile on his lips. 

“I love you, too, Harry.” Louis says more confidently. “I’ve been in love with you for ages.”

Not wasting any time now, Harry scoops Louis up into his arms and kisses him with everything he has. Louis’ breathing quickens and soon he’s panting and clawing at Harry’s back as Harry’s hands sneak under his sweater again. This time, though, they don’t go slow and don’t stop until he’s tugging it around Louis’ armpits until Louis’ raising his arms and allowing Harry to pull it over his head. 

Their eyes meet as soon as Harry’s dropping the sweater on the floor and Harry searches for any fear or worry in Louis’ eyes. He doesn’t see any. Instead, Louis looks exhilarated and Harry thinks that’s beautiful. 

Louis shifts a bit underneath Harry’s ass because Harry’s basically sitting on Louis’ hips and Harry lifts up on his knees so Louis can remove himself and get on his knees as well. 

Once he did this, Louis wraps his bare arms around Harry’s neck and quickly goes back in for another kiss. Harry complies enthusiastically and runs his palms down the warm skin of Louis’ back. Louis hums and pulls Harry closer to him so his chest meets Harry’s clothed one. 

Harry can feel Louis frown slightly into the kiss, so he pulls back to rest his forehead against Louis’ and lets his arms drop from around Louis to tug upwards on his shirt until he pulls it over his head and drops it to the ground off the bed. 

“Fuck.” Louis mutters as he drinks in the sight of Harry shirtless. 

Sure, this isn’t something new, but in this kind of intimate context, it is. Harry blushes, for one of the first times, and scratches at the back of his neck as Louis continues to ogle his body. 

“It’s really not that special, Lou.” Harry says and Louis shakes his head fervently. 

“You’re beautiful.” Louis breathes as he brings his hands to his own belly and rubs at it with a small frown and Harry can tell he’s self-conscious because Harry has (barely) defined abs and Louis can’t seem to ever lose his slight tummy. 

“Hey, no, love. _You’re_ beautiful. I think you’re the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” Harry says as he reaches out and pulls Louis close to him by his shoulders. “I’m in love with you and I think you’re absolutely stunning, yeah?”

Louis ducks his gaze and blushes, tears welling up in his eyes and making them glassy. Harry kisses the corners of his eyes first, and then moves to his cheeks, and then his lips. Louis tilts his head back up so he can kiss Harry more proper like and Harry responds by kissing him harder. 

Louis slips his arms from around Harry and instead places his hands lightly on Harry’s shoulders and neck. Harry skims his fingers over Louis’ arms and then moves them to trail over Louis’ ribs and then around to rub over the notches of his spine. 

“Can…” Louis breathes as he breaks their kiss. 

“Yes? Can…?” Harry prods, urging Louis to continue with a soft smile despite the darkening from want in his eyes. 

Louis looks shy and anxious as he chews on his swollen lips and taps his fingers against Harry’s shoulders. 

“Babe, whatever it is, you can ask me for it.” Harry assures and Louis smiles and nods, some courage clearly coming to him. 

“I want to…go farther.” Louis says. “This…this feels right and as much as I love kissing, I _love you_ more and I want to…express that in a bigger way.” 

Harry’s heart starts beating like crazy because it sounds like…it sounds like Louis’ saying that he might be ready for all the things Harry desperately wants to do with Louis, to experience with him. The types of things he’s been going crazy to hold back from doing because he didn’t want to rush Louis or push him. 

“By that you mean…” Harry asks slowly, and when Louis doesn’t say anything and just bites his lips nervously, Harry pries, “Lou, love, you’re going have to be clear with me here so I don’t go in blind. I need to know what you want and what you’re comfortable with. If there’s boundaries you want to keep you have to let me know.”

Louis’ eyes widen at this and then they turn hooded as he removes his hands from around Harry and falls back on the mattress gracefully. Louis sucks his bottom lip into his mouth and spreads his legs. 

Harry thinks he might pass out Louis looks so good like that. 

“I don’t want any boundaries. I just want you.” Louis whispers in a low (for him) voice and Harry thinks he’s actually going to combust. 

Louis makes grabby hands for Harry and Harry quickly falls on top of him, blocking most of his weight with his hands that he rests on either side of Louis’ head. Harry rolls his body down on Louis, making Louis moan for the first time, and this makes Harry smirk into their kiss and want to make Louis do that again. 

“Is this…is this okay?” Harry asks as grinds his hips into Louis again. 

Louis lifts his legs and hooks them around Harry’s slender hips and meets Harry’s ruts with his own as his answer. 

“More, Harry.” Louis keens and tangles his fingers in Harry’s curls, tugging on the strands. “Want all of it.”

“Are you…are you sure?” Harry asks, stilling his hips and pausing to look at Louis for reassurance. 

“Hundred percent.” Louis nods and leans up to kiss Harry comfortingly. 

“Have you ever…” Harry trails off, and Louis shakes his head. 

“You know I haven’t.” Louis answers. “Would have told you if I had.”

“Okay.” Harry smiles and sits back on his haunches to rest his hands comfortably over the button on Louis’ pants. “Have you ever…touched yourself…down there?”

Louis blushes and licks his lips. “By that you don’t mean just normal wanking, do you?” 

“No. I’m asking if you’ve ever tried fingering yourself, Lou.” Harry says gently. 

Louis shakes his head vehemently and Harry nods and moves his fingers to pop the button on Louis’ pants, but he pauses to check if it’s okay first. Louis nods and Harry undoes the button and pulls down the zipper. 

“Wait,” Louis says, reaching up to stop Harry. “Erm, hold on.”

Louis scrambles up and off the bed and turns around so Harry can only see his back. Harry flops down on the bed and watches Louis ease his pants down and kick them off his ankles. 

“I have to tell you something, and please don’t, um, don’t be upset, okay?” Louis says, but doesn’t turn around yet. 

“I promise, Lou. I’ll love you no matter what it is. Nothing’s going to change how I feel.” Harry assures and he can see Louis let out a breath as his shoulders relax a little. 

Louis doesn’t say anymore, just turns around as he chews on his thumbnail. Harry allows his eyes to scan down Louis’ fairly lean body, his tight chest and somewhat pudgy tummy, his hips and, God, the slight bulge in boxers. But then Harry sees it, sees what Louis was probably referring to and why he stopped Harry from undressing him. 

There on Louis’ thighs are a dozen or so more raised scars per leg. Harry feels his heart break as his eyes run over the marks and then back up to Louis’ self-conscious gaze. 

“It’s ugly, I know.” Louis says as he drops his hands to his sides and then he’s bending down to pick up his pants. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me in any way anymore. I know most people wouldn’t—“

“Shh.” Harry cuts Louis off as he stands up abruptly and wraps his arms around Louis’ trembling frame. “You’re beautiful and perfect. I love you, boo.”

Louis wraps his arms around Harry forcefully and holds him tight as Harry feels damp tears drop to his skin. Harry rubs his hands soothingly over Louis’ back and kisses what he can reach of his neck. 

“I’m going to take care of you, love.” Harry whispers as he pulls back from Louis to look at him and brush his thumbs over Louis’ cheeks to wipe away the tears. 

“Please, Harry.” Louis says so quietly it’s barely a whisper. 

“Come back to bed, baby.” Harry says softly and guides Louis back to his bed and eases him down flat on the mattress. 

Harry carefully straddles Louis and watches in awe as Louis brings is fingers together and then to Harry’s pants and unfastens them shakily. Louis tugs a little too gently on the two sides of Harry’s jeans, but Harry gets the idea and decides to help him out. 

Harry stands up to pull his jeans off fully and then he’s back on Louis, gathering his hands up in his larger ones and holding them above Louis’ head. Harry stretches upwards towards Louis’ head and then leans in to press soft, healing kisses to each of Louis’ scars, starting with his right wrist. 

“I” _kiss_ “love” _kiss_ “you” _kiss,_ Harry says, repeating the phrase over and over until he’s sliding down Louis’ body and exchanging his wrists for his thighs. “I” _kiss_ “love” _kiss_ “you” _kiss,_ Harry repeats as he places his lips delicately over each scar, pausing for extra attention to the fresher ones. 

Louis’ writhing by the end, holding Harry’s head down gently as he continues pouring his love out all over Louis. Harry’s hands work into the backs of Louis’ thighs, his fingers ghosting underneath the hem of Louis’ tight boxers and causing him to shiver bodily. 

“Please, Harry.” Louis says again and tugs rather harshly on Harry’s curls, clearly getting a bit impatient. 

Harry doesn’t lift his head much, instead just lithely crawls up a little bit so he can kiss the fine trail of hairs leading down into Louis’ boxers. Harry doesn’t give Louis time to protest or argue before he’s hooking his slender fingers in the sides of Louis’ boxers and tugging downwards. 

“Gonna make you feel so good, baby.” Harry says lowly as he eyes Louis’ near fully hard cock. 

Harry’s mouth salivates at the sight and then he’s leaning in and licking a fat stripe up the length from root to tip, ending by nuzzling his nose into the mostly groomed patch of hair at the base. Louis let’s out a high-pitched squeak and quickly covers his mouth. Harry sucks the head into his mouth, wrapping his fingers around the base to tilt it up a bit more so he can suckle at the head, dipping his tongue under the foreskin. 

Louis’ whimpering into his fist now and so Harry reaches up with his free hand to bring Louis’ hand away from his mouth. Louis gives him a confused and concerned look, but Harry just flicks his tongue over Louis’ slit. 

“Want to hear everything you want to give, Lou.” Harry says briefly and then goes back to sucking Louis into his mouth, this time seeing how much he can get in his mouth before he has to pull off. 

Louis’ definitely a decent size, so Harry’s not surprised when he starts to gag before he can get Louis all the way down and he has to pull off. Harry regains his composure for a moment while he exchanges his mouth for his fist and jacks Louis a few times, rolling the foreskin up and down over the head. 

Louis whimpers and Harry makes eye contact with him, relishing the how blown Louis’ pupils are. In all the times they’ve made-out, Louis has never looked this turned on. Granted, he’s also never had his cock near down Harry’s throat, but…details. 

Harry prepares to try again, this time he’s determined and he relaxes he throat before closing his lips around the head. Harry keeps eye contact with Louis and takes Louis’ hands in his as he hollows his cheeks and takes Louis down his throat in one go, his nose pressing into Louis’ pubic hair. 

The moan that Louis releases is the most beautiful sound Harry’s ever heard and Louis squeezes Harry’s fingers so hard as Harry pulls off, Harry knows he has to stop because Louis will come too early if he keeps this up. 

“All right if I stop?” Harry asks, swapping his mouth for his fist again, just slowly stroking Louis this time. 

Louis whines, but nods and makes grabby hands for Harry again and they bring their mouths together. Louis hums as he licks into Harry’s mouth and Harry sucks on his tongue, letting Louis faintly taste himself in Harry’s mouth. 

Harry sneaks his hands down to his hips and shimmies out of his boxers, nearly groaning in relief as the cool air hits his aching cock. Harry pumps himself a few times and then pulls away from Louis. 

“Gonna get the stuff we need, okay? It’ll just take a second.” Harry says and presses a kiss to Louis’ forehead before slipping off the bed and making his way to his dresser. 

Harry sifts through his sock drawer until he finds what he needs, retrieving the small bottle of lube and a condom. He brings them back to the bed and notices Louis’ eyes widening at the sight of Harry completely naked, hard cock swinging between his legs and Harry holding the clear markers of what’s about to happen. 

“You can still change your mind, Louis. I’m not going to pressure you into this if you’re not comfortable or ready. I need you to be one hundred percent sure you want this, that you’re ready for this.” Harry says gently. 

Louis shakes his head as if to clear it before he lifts up on his elbows and reaches for the condom in Harry’s hand. “I’m ready, Harry. Can I put it on you?”

Harry nods and smiles as Louis takes the condom from him with quivering fingers and bites the corner of the packet to tear it open. Louis takes the rubber circle out of the packet and tosses the wrapper carelessly on the floor. 

Louis looks to Harry for reassurance and Harry nods encouragingly. Louis reaches for Harry’s cock as Harry scoots forward a bit and Harry guides Louis’ trembling hands to place the condom at Harry’s tip. Louis rolls the condom on carefully and Harry smiles down at him when he gets it on, completely sheathing Harry’s cock. 

“Perfect, Lou.” Harry appraises and then he lays Louis back down, ready to get to prepping him. “I’m going to take care of you. Let me know if anything is too much, all right?”

Louis nods and Harry curls his fingers around Louis’ knees, bending them and lifting them up to present Louis’ hole to Harry. Harry smiles at the pretty pink, puckered skin and can’t resist the urge to lean in and run his tongue over it teasingly. 

Louis whimpers as Harry does this, so Harry does it again, this time more purposefully. Harry believed he would enjoy rimming, even though he’s only even seen it in porn. Turns out, he’s right, but that could mostly just be due to the sounds Louis’ giving him and the fact that it’s Louis he’s doing it to. 

Harry works his tongue over Louis’ hole over and over, starting with just running the flat of his tongue over it and then switching to pointing his tongue and tracing over the rim with it. He starts to feel a little braver and tries licking into Louis and Louis clenches around the intrusion. 

“Relax, babe. I’ve got you.” Harry says and reaches up for Louis’ hands to hold. 

Louis nods and Harry goes back to licking over him and then sucks at his rim, relishing in the moan Louis releases. Harry tries to lick into him again, and this time Louis relaxes and he pokes the tip of his tongue into Louis. 

Harry pulls back because he’s getting himself too worked up for this and so he reaches for the lube and tries not to look at Louis who’s staring at him dazedly. 

“This might sting a bit, tell if I should stop.” Harry says and wraps the fingers of his left hand around those of Louis’ after he’s coated his other fingers in a generous amount of lube. 

Louis sucks in his breath and Harry rubs his thumb over Louis’ knuckles to get him to relax. Louis makes eye contact with Harry and nods as if he understands and slowly exhales and rolls his shoulders to show he’s relaxing. 

Harry prods the tip of his first finger at Louis’ rim and presses in against the resistance. Louis grips Harry’s hand and Harry watches Louis squeeze his eyes shut as his face screws up in pain at the stretch.

“Shh, love. You’re all right. Do you want me to stop?” Harry asks and Louis shakes his head adamantly. 

“Please, don’t stop now.” Louis hisses and sucks his lips into his mouth. 

Harry nods and pushes his finger in farther, focusing on Louis’ stuttering breaths and trying not to think about hurting him. Harry twists his finger and Louis winces slightly, but his eyes start to open again. 

Harry tries pulling the finger out, and Louis hisses a bit at the drag against his stretching rim, but it’s not a completely painful hiss. Harry continues to work the single finger inside Louis and tries to think of a way to make this more pleasurable. 

“You can touch yourself, you know. It’ll help take you’re mind off it.” Harry offers and nods to Louis’ semi-softened cock. 

Louis curls his small fist around himself and gives a few half-hearted tugs, which helps dissolve the remains of his grimace. Harry prods his second finger at Louis’ entrance and Louis nods to tell him it’s okay. 

Harry pushes his second finger in and Louis just quickens the pace of his fist to distract himself from the pain. Harry presses a kiss to Louis knee to show him that he’s proud of how well Louis’ taking it. 

“Doing so well, baby. Almost ready.” Harry praises and Louis blinks his eyes open to focus on Harry, preening a bit under his worship. 

Harry tries to scissor his fingers and Louis hisses, but doesn’t say anything about it. Harry pushes his fingers in deeper in search of Louis’ prostate and he knows he’s found it when Louis’ back suddenly arches and he’s outright moaning for the first time since Harry’s tried to put his fingers in him. 

“D-do that _again.”_ Louis gasps, his fingers clenching onto Harry’s and his other hand moving furiously over his cock. 

“Not if you’re going to come.” Harry taunts, but he does it anyways, curling his fingers into the fleshy point. 

Louis moans loudly and stills his hand, gripping at the base of his cock. Harry squeezes in a third finger while Louis is distracted and slowly moves all three in and out to stretch him. Louis starts rocking his hips down and Harry decides that’s he’s ready, that and Harry can barely keep himself together. 

“Are you ready for me, baby?” Harry asks as he pulls his fingers out with a squelching sound and lifts up so he can kiss Louis sweetly before reaching for the lube to slick himself up. 

“Go slow.” Is all Louis gives as his answer and Harry leans in to give him another soothing kiss. 

“Always. Don’t worry, love. It’s going to be magic, I promise.” Harry says softly in between more kisses that he peppers over Louis’ face, making Louis scrunch his nose at Harry. 

Harry lifts up and places his slicked tip at Louis’ entrance. Louis nods to Harry and Harry slowly eases in, wincing when Louis’ face screws up in discomfort. Harry tries to soothe him with kisses and soft touches, but it doesn’t let up and Harry just wants to quit. 

“Should I stop? Do you want me to pull out?” Harry asks, filled with concern.

“N-no, I’m fine. I can take a bit of pain.” Louis says and Harry grimaces because it makes him think of Louis’ scars. 

“Tell me if it gets too much.” Harry asks and Louis nods reassuringly. 

“’Course. Just…keep going.” Louis says and shifts so he’s more comfortable, but it makes Harry slip and rock all the way in. 

Louis cries out and Harry’s fallen forward so he’s fully on top of Louis. Harry tries to distract Louis by running his fingers through his hair and kissing his forehead, but there are tears in Louis’ eyes. 

But then Louis is whispering roughly, “Fuck, do that again.”

Harry lifts up and looks at Louis curiously, but Louis’ eyes are hooded and dilated. Harry experimentally pulls out and thrust back in, making Louis’ eyes roll back in his head and his hands grip Harry’s tighter. 

“Feels good. I really like it. Don’t, _fuck,_ don’t stop.” Louis moans in between sharp inhales. 

Harry really doesn’t have to be told twice, so he starts picking up his pace and doubling his efforts as he continues to thrust into Louis. Harry starts to think Louis is so damn beautiful laid out before him like this, and he sort of thinks it’s a crime that he’s not on display all the time. 

This gives Harry an idea, so he pulls out and when Louis gives him a sad, pained look, Harry just flops down on his back and gestures for Louis to straddle him. 

“Want you to ride me. You look so beautiful, I want to be able to fully watch you.” Harry explains and Louis does as Harry asks. 

Once Louis is straddling Harry, Harry sets his cock up and guides Louis over it and helps him lower himself down. As Louis sinks down onto Harry, his face distorts in pleasure and it’s quite possibly the most beautiful thing Harry’s ever seen. 

“Feel so good, Lou.” Harry breathes and he rests his hands on Louis’ thighs. 

“Love the way you feel.” Louis whimpers as he experimentally grinds his hips in little circles, apparently trying to get the feel for this new position. 

Harry moves his hands to lift Louis’ ass and Louis goes willingly, lifting himself up and then dropping back down, pleasure clearly shooting through him by the way his head tosses back and he moans. 

Louis starts bouncing up and down and effectively fucking himself on Harry’s cock and if that’s not the hottest thing ever, Harry doesn’t even know what to think anymore. 

“H-Harry. Touch me.” Louis moans as Harry had dropped his hands in exchange for fisting the bed sheets. 

Harry doesn’t even think before he grips Louis’ thighs and ends up rubbing at Louis scars and his fresh cuts, making him hiss. Harry immediately recoils, but Louis turns his blissed out eyes on him. 

“D-do that again.” Louis asks, lost in his own pleasure. “Fuck, Harry. Do that again. Grab my thighs.”

“But…your cuts…” Harry says as an explanation for his apprehension. 

“I… _shit,_ I _like it.”_ Louis says as one of his hands flies up to pinch at his nipple. “I like the pain of it.”

Harry understands what Louis’ saying to him, but that doesn’t stop him from being a little cautious at the prospect of causing his boyfriend pain, even if it’s wanted, even if it’s _asked for._

Harry places his hands over Louis’ thighs and when he doesn’t do any more than that, Louis places his own hands over Harry’s and presses down, eliciting a hiss as his eyes roll back.

“Fuck, yes. Like that.” Louis moans and he increases the pace of his bounces. 

Harry’s filled with wonder by this boy, someone that’s so quiet and a little sad seeming is here riding him like his life depended on it and he’s _loud_ and, God, he’s even a bit _kinky._ And Harry _loves_ him. 

Harry just can’t get over it and all this is just bringing him even closer to the edge. 

“’M so close.” Harry breathes out as he presses down on Louis’ thighs, on his own this time.

Louis moans and mutters a broken, “Me, too.”

“Together. Fuck, Lou. Come with me.” Harry chokes out as he gives a weak thrust of his hips to meet Louis and then Louis is spurting all over their stomachs. 

The sight is pure perfection and has Harry coming as well, filling the condom inside Louis as pleasure surges through him. Harry hears himself uttering Louis’ name over and over as he rocks through his orgasm and then Louis is collapsing on top of him, completely exhausted. 

Harry eases Louis off of him and sets him down on the mattress next to him. Louis’ eyes are glazed, but he’s smiling dopily and still seems fairly lucid. 

“I love you.” Louis whispers and Harry presses a kiss to Louis’ lips. 

“I love you, too, Boo. I’ll be right back.” Harry says and then slips out of bed to go get a wet towel to clean them up and to dispose of the condom. 

When Harry returns, he wipes Louis down, along with himself, and then tosses the towel on the crowd. Louis curls himself into Harry’s side and rests his head on his chest, his arms curling around Harry as Harry’s curl around Louis. They lay there in peace for a while, but then Harry has to break the silence to ask Louis something that’s been bothering him. 

“So…you wanna tell me what happened?” Harry asks as he runs his fingers down Louis’ arm. 

“What do you mean?” Louis asks with a smirk as he looks up to Harry’s face after kissing his chest. “You just made love to me.”

“I meant…earlier.” Harry says and something in his tone must make Louis understand. 

“Oh,” Louis says and cringes a bit, but instead of cringing away, this time he curls more into Harry. “It was just more of the same stuff, I suppose. People saying things they shouldn’t to hurt me.”

“Louis, is there something I can do? You never talk about it and I just…I had no idea it was affecting you _this_ much. I should have known, I see that now. I’m going to protect you from now on, love. Don’t worry. I don’t want to see you hurting ever again.” Harry says firmly and Louis just presses delicate kisses to Harry’s chest. 

“I’m okay, honestly. I just…it gets to be too much some days. You’ve helped a lot, truly. I hadn’t cut at all really since we started dating, until today. I was just in a shitty mood and I failed my maths quiz. Mum’s also been getting on me about applying for schools. I just needed a little release is all.” Louis explains. 

“Well, next time you come to me when you need a release, okay?” Harry says and Louis laughs because Harry winks and waggles his eyebrows. 

“Harry!” Louis chastises and playfully slaps his abs. 

“What, it’s true.” Harry says in between kisses to the top of Louis’ head. “I love you.”

Louis inhales sharply and wraps his leg around Harry’s closest one as he whispers, “I love you, too,” against Harry’s chest. 

“I made us a fancy dinner, you know.” Harry says after a few moments of silence. 

Louis giggles and rolls on top of Harry to kiss him full on the mouth.

“Yeah?” Louis asks as he props himself up to better look at Harry. 

“Yeah. Think I could heat it up and we could come back up here and eat it. Maybe pop in a movie and snuggle.” Harry says, combing his fingers through Louis’ messy fringe. 

“Deal.” Louis says and gives Harry one final kiss before rolling off him and climbing out of bed. 

Louis turns his head over his shoulder and holds his hand out for Harry to take, smiling shyly. Harry grins and takes Louis’ hand as he stands up and kisses his cheek as they walk towards the door, not even bothering to put boxers on. 

Louis doesn’t even mind because he’s finally found someone who loves him the way he is, scars and all. 

 

_**Fin.**_

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think? :D


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